Thursday, December 07, 2006

someone once told me, if u take steps forward, and u fall some steps back. u go nowhere. ultimately u ll reach a point where u cant move or forgot how it was like to move. guess its just like if each time u wanted to go to tiong bahru from tanjong pagar, but u always stopped at outram and turned back, u ll just simply lose sight of where ur going, wad ur doing, u ll forget wad tiong bahru looks like. sounds like me doesnt it.

u know. really sums up how its like.

u screw urself up by the things u choose to ignore
u screw urself up for the things u choose not to remember
u screw urself up by thinking too friggin highly of urself
if even superman couldnt take kryptonite, u thought u could take this shit
u screw urself up by makeing promises u never keep

ah. nicholas tan. u friggin screw up!!

theres like this mammoth mix of feelings inside of me, all i know it i can blame no one but myself. all i know is that, if it never comes back to me again, i can never complain, cus i never felt more of Him den any other time but i threw it all away. i guess you were right screaming at me, i dun deserve any sympathy. indeed the word that says ever secret thing will come into judgement is true. i think when boss called me, i heard a tone i never heard before, it wasnt the tired sound, it wasnt the comforting, compassionate one either. i felt like the one that said, i have done all i can, now this is all i can do, i dun think i cant help u anymore, i think u ought to move on. and to me, i have no right to stay, i no longer have the right to choose, because i already chose wrong.

u know time and time again. all my hard knocks. since i was a kid. bullied, alone, i told myself i had to be strong. den come PSLE, failed, i cried but i told myself i had to be strong. come every damn friggin thing that was throw at me, i told myself i had to be strong. and i thought i was strong. but i was not. u know today we played war games, and its just like that, life was really like the base we built out of chairs and tables, u tot it was fortified, u tot, no one is gonna steal my flag. and just when the enemy comes in, u could take a smash in the face, a jab in the stomach, but so wad if u can withstand all that, but someone sneaks under the hole in ur base and takes that flag. u know wad, no matter how strong u think u r. u still lose. and the funny thing is, before losing, we often say, the base is invincible, impregnable. we hear that ever so often in local history. thinking how the heck did those dumbasses point the guns inwards, thinking how the heck we let people get us from the land of OBS. for all the lame stuff i say, i guess this time the joke's on me man. dumbass.

and u know, honestly, u can scold me somemore. i think i m feeling the pain, and i think i m probably numb. u can call me dumbass, jackass, wadever ass u can think of. u might even think i m playing the sympathy game. but all i have left to say is. to you, a different you this time. this is my greatest regret, that i let my own selfishness and naivety and immaturity, bring down a person i cared alot for. i only have one hope left, that is the only thing i care for at the moment, is that u wont end up like the long list of people who mattered to me loads, whom i have seen leave church.

so wad if u have the frigging world. so wad if u can do the friggin world. so wad if u can give words in cell, bring frens to church, tell the lamest lame jokes in the world. if u cant love like the word tells u to. u just think ur loving. ur just stupid. and u r just nothing.

all i wanted to do was pour out my feelings. just wanted to say. u can talk to me about anything and everything and i promise i ll smile, i promise i ll crap along with u. but just dun ask me about this thing. those who need and ought to know have already known. those who havent, dun have to, so dun probe.

dats all. peace.

|cowpoo| 11:26 PM|

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